Jager-Shit-Meister Response #2: The Perpetrators

First of all, I'm very sorry for my delayed response to such an amazing story. I've been busy with my life.

Ok, so, Let me clarify a few things about this cruel (funny) prank that I pulled on one of my best friends:

The first thing I want to talk about is the matter of the excrement itself and how it came to be. Contrary to popular belief, this was NOT my poop. Andrew Nehrig was in fact, the creator of the disgustingly large mass of feces you witnessed in the video shown in The Jager-Shit-Meister. This giant turd... in a red cup. You may have thought, "What the fuck!?" and "Why would someone shit in a cup?" I'm still asking these questions... and I was there. Let me explain.

It was a cold night in Palm Springs. A few of my buddies and I were lazily floating around in a hot tub at the public pool. It must have been like 11 or 12 at night and we were all drinking large amounts of alcohol, smoking pot, and being loud and obnoxious. (you know... the usual) Well after an hour or 2 of turning into prunes and being completely sauced, everyone except for Andrew and I had decided to go back to the house and hang there. I finish my drink and nod my head back as the bubbles hit my muscular back. Andrew notices (that I finished my drink... not how buff I am) and says, "Burke, give me your cup dude, I have to shit." Now I'm pretty fucked up at this point, but I'm still very uncertain about this request. I thought "Why the fuck does he need my cup to shit? Is he gunna scoop it up when he's done? or even to wear it as a hat maybe while he poops?" whatever the reason, I didn't know. So, suspiciously, I hand him my cup and just watch him very closely. He heads over to a couple of lounge chairs and pulls them together. He then places the cup under a small gap between the 2 chairs and squats over the top it. He had successfully Jimmy-Rigged a toilet in the middle of a public pool. The next scene was so gross, it's hard for me to write. I ducked my head laughing my ass off, because I couldn't believe that this wannabe MacGyver was pooping in public... on 2 lounge chairs... in a fucking cup. Just as I thought he was done and it could not get any weirder, I looked up and he was literally right in the middle of pooping out this triumphant-brown-bastard of a shit. I mean the poop was still swinging from his butt, hanging for dear life. So gross.

As he finished, Andrew and I talked about pranking one of our friends. In this case, Denny. He was being kind of a douche, and it seemed like a good idea. Andrew was still holding the poopy cup the whole time we devised this plan. I suddenly thought I was Johnny Knoxville and decided that we are in fact going to make one of our friends drink human feces. Not dog feces. Human feces. Andrew and I decided we had to get this on film, and that this was gonna be the greatest thing ever.

We leave the hot tub, and bring the cup along with us... We need a camera, so Andrew grabs one of the guys phones on the table... The rest is history.

After the video, Denny walked in and we gave him the drink. (We actually recorded this too, but I think Andrew deleted it, after he suffered from something called guilt... or so I think... after all, the guy wasn't even drunk) Denny nods his head in thanks and begins to take a sip of this Poopbeer Float. I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't laugh my ass off and didn't have to leave the room. As I was leaving, I kid you not, Denny yelled, "Burke! Oh my God! This is the best drink I have ever had!!" Like it was straight out of a fucking sitcom. I half-thought he caught on and knew I had tricked him... but then quickly corrected myself knowing that he wouldn't be that calm after knowingly drinking a large snake-like human poop.

Laughing uncontrollably at this point, I couldn't help but emphasize the word "shit" around Denny. The only conversation I strictly remember where I integrated my new word, was when Denny asked, "Burke, what did you put in this drink?" I then responded, "Oh nothing really, just some jager, some monster, and some shit, I dont remember."

The next morning I woke up feeling very guilty and shameful. My childish antics had gone too far... I had made one of my friends drink human poop. Then I realized "SHIT! I have to fucking drive this guy home in a couple hours... just me and him. I'm fucked." I quickly got up and told all the guys I was with to keep their mouths shut about the incidents that took place the night before, at least until we made it back home. They agreed and I made it home.

All I'm gunna say is that Denny found out. (Thanks Russ) I don't remember if it was that day or the next, but if my friend Mustain didn't live with me to restrain Denny at the time, I may have been force fed my own shit.

Sorry Denny, I'm an asshole. I love you man. We're Bromosexuals.

-Burke

Response to shit-meister

Hello all, I am Denny Reed and my so called "friends" put shit in my drink as you have previously read. As Russell previously stated, "they all felt guilty and vowed never to tell anyone". Well my friends that is a load of crap. I specifically remember the whole night they kept overusing the word shit. They said shit any time they could use the word. While they said the word, they were all laughing hysterically. So a rebuttle to the guilt they claimed they had, well that's just a load of "SHIT"! Thank you for posting this Russ as a reminder of what kind of dirtbags we are friends with. I could have died!!

p.s. When I found out the news I rushed to Burke's house and charged him. Nick knows the look in my eyes when I will kill, and obviously I had it. I proceeded to shove him to the ground and he fell like a sack of bricks. Good thing Mustain was there or else I would be serving 50 to life. Burke you are a disgrace of a human being.

The Jager-Shit-Meister

The time is 1:10am, and I have a final in 6 hours and 50 minutes.
Amidst the heavy stress that I am currently facing, I am putting all of my academic worries on hold to present our lucky viewers with a rare diamond in the rough...

You must be forewarned: For what I am about to present to you is very graphic in nature, and is NOT for the weak of stomach and heart.

Let me take you back to a simpler time...

The year is 2007, I'm pretty sure this took place over spring break?..or was it summer?. Anyway, that is all irrelevant.

A few of our Extra Horny Gentlemen had decided to take advantage of the gorgeous Southern California weather and take a short vacation trip to Palm Springs for a few days. For whatever reason, I chose not to attend this trip. (actually, I just wasn't invited) A few days pass by and my friends return to Huntington Beach, from a seemingly incredible vacation. You know: Lots of drinking, drug abusing, womanizing, tanning, gambling etc etc. So I'm sitting on my computer chatting online with one of my friends whom was on the trip. (he has requested to remain anonymous)

So anyway, I'm chatting with one of my friends online and he goes:

"yeah bro, I was so drunk that whole trip. I came home and found this fucking weird video on my phone. I don't know who recorded it, but I'm almost positive that it couldn't have been me. Here check it out..."




Please notice how the video ends rather abruptly.
So after viewing this incredibly graphic and cruel video, I began to freak out.
"There is no fucking way that Burke, would actually trick our beloved friend, Denny into drinking a cocktail containing the feces of another human being!"
It brings me great and utter regret to tell you all, that I was absolutely wrong.

Immediately after I had seen this grotesque footage, I demanded an answer from my anonymous friend.
"PLEASE TELL ME THAT THEY DID NOT MAKE DENNY DRINK THE POOP!"
He simply replied, "Dude, I was so drunk. I don't even remember."
That answer was simply not adequate, so I immediately pulled out my phone and dialed Denny's number.

Denny: "Russ What's up?"
Me: "Please tell me that you didn't end up drinking that poop"
Denny: "huh?"
Me: "The Cup with Jager and shit inside of it, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DRINK IT!"
(roughly 5 seconds of silence)
Denny: I AM GOING TO KILL NICK BURKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(click)

Never in my life, had I heard so much rage come from a human being, let alone through the telephone.

It was at that moment I began to think, "uh oh, Denny didn't even know that he drank a cocktail with human feces inside of it....oh shit, Burke is dead."

About 10 minutes later, I received a phone call from Burke.
"Dude, WHY DID YOU TELL DENNY!?!?"
It had turned out that Burke and his other accomplices vowed to keep it a secret from Denny after experiencing the guilt of watching one of their best friends willingly drink a cocktail made up of Jagermeister, Monster Energy Drink, and human excrement.
To make matters even worse: according to eyewitnesses, he even stated that his drink was "fucking great" and that it was "The greatest drink he'd ever had" (I'm sorry Denny.)

Let this be a reminder girls (and guys) across the world, since we are all now turning 21 and hitting up the local bars: Do Not Accept Drinks from Strangers. (or in this case, your best friends)

Queefimous Fartimous

Due to popular demand, I will share with you a story of an actual incident that happened like six months ago after my girlfriend of two years broke up with me. To regress, I hope this story is the first of our many "Sexcapades" entered into this blog.

Ok. Ok. So, I was having sex with this girl (No Names) I had met somewhere, at someplace, on some night. I was on top of her... she was on top of me... everything was going relatively well... Perhaps too well. About an hour and a half into it, I was unable to hang in there any longer and I decided to flip her around and end with a "doggystyle" finish. So, I'm slamming her... slamming her some more... a little more... and I finally pull out and cum. I'm so exhausted that I literally collapse forward where my face lands directly on her butt. As I'm catching my breathe and reliving how amazing and talented I am at sex, I hear (and feel) this strange "feeewwwp!!!"(fart noise) right on my face. Literally... right around my fucking mouth. I jump up and pause for a second, glarring at her trying to realize what the fuck just actually happened. Did she really just fart on my face!? perhaps in my mouth!? I start laughing uncontrollably about how gross and ridiculous the situation is. So hard in fact, that I feel feces in my underpants. (Not only did I get farted on but I may have just shit my pants as well, whatever the case, there was no time to check) She was literally mortified. I'm laughing histerically rolling around on the floor and she's racing to get dressed on the verge of tears. She didn't even try to justify herself, she knew exactly what she did. Trying to calm her embarassment down while I'm still laughing I say, "It's not that big of deal... Really, I'm not gunna tell anyone." I lied. Not only was it a very big deal, I also told a few of my friends. She ended up leaving and I never really talked to her again. To my utter suprise I later found out that it was a queef and not a fart... how am I supposed to know? The thing sounded like a juicy-wet fart from someone who hasn't shit in days.

I will be writing a few more "Sexcapades" in the future. Hopefully, my fellow Gentlemen have some amusing stories as well.

-Burke

Nicholas Burke

I used to think that babies came out of the woman's butt... to my utter suprise, they don't. My name is Nicholas Francis Burke, but most people refer to me as just "Burke." Your thinking, "Wow Burke, I didn't realize that you have such a fucking lame middle name." Listen bitch, it so happens that Frank is short for Francis. Don't you remember a little guy named Francis (Frank) Sinatra? The guy fucking pioneered "panty dropping." Women most likely would have eaten a bowl of cereal out of that man's ass if he'd of let them. If that's not cool... I sure as hell don't know what is. Getting Lucky Charms eaten out of your ass by a pair of beautiful women... forget about it.


Anyways, I thoroughly enjoy freaking out about everything. It makes things that much more exciting. I also thrive in the fact that when someone is referring to meeting me they either call me "that dirty white guy" or "that goofy-dirty white guy." Apparently my long flowing blonde hair, looks greasy and unkempt. What the fuck!? I shower everyday... well almost everyday... every other day. The beautiful scents of my own natural musk is covered up by the numerous amount of cigarettes I suck down. Not to mention my recently pointed out love handles (thanks Russ) and my beer gut. You'd think attracting women would be nearly impossible for a specimen such as myself... wrong. I really don't know why, but it seems the more dirtball you are the more ass you can get. I mean, personally I have straight up smelled like stinky-sweaty testicles and have gotten laid without complaints. (You know that if you can smell your own odor than you really fucking stink) It's funny. Sorry, I keep distracting myself with my own ADD. So, besides loving to freak out and being a complete dirtbag, I enjoy hanging out with my fellow Extra Horny Gentlemen (I really don't enjoy it, but for the blog's sake... I do) while drinking dangerously large amounts of alchohol and creating drama. So funny. I also really like smoking cigarettes. Someone once asked me what I had planned on doing for the day, I simply responded with "I'm gunna sit around and smoke some cigarettes." I'm that guy that will probably have sex with your girlfriend if given the opportunity. I'm done with this post.

I hate you all, and thrive on how much I do. Remember Gentlemen, don't shower.

-Burke