Celebrity Encounter: Zlatan Ibrahimovic

As I stated in a previous entry, UCLA has been a hot-spot for celebrity sightings during the summer time.
A few weeks back, Italian champions, Internazionale Milan FC was holding their preseason training at the UCLA soccer fields. Upon learning this, the first thought that popped into my mind was "I gotta meet ZLATAN!"

For those who are unaware, Zlatan Ibrahimovic was the star player for Inter as well as one of the best strikers in the world.

A few days had passed since Inter first arrived at UCLA, and I had still not yet seen any of the players. I was busy with summer school and other shit, and kept on missing the opportunities to meet some players. Many of my friends had encountered Zlatan at the school gym or other places around campus.
On one fateful day, I had just returned from class and begun to take a nap. After about 20 minutes of napping I got a phone call from my good friend Seda, using some random person's cell phone...

Me: Hello?
Seda: RUSSELL, IT'S SEDA. COME DOWN TO PAULEY RIGHT NOW! THE INTER PLAYERS ARE SIGNING AUTOGRAPHS. HURRY!
*click*

So I quickly got up from my nap and walked as fast as I could to Pauley Pavillion.
Right as I arrived at Pauley, I saw Marco Materazzi getting escorted in a golf cart to the fields. Everybody was shouting his name, "Materazzi! Materazzi!"
As he drove past me, I decided to be a little different, hoping that he would notice. I Yelled out "Hey Marco!"
He looked up at me and gave me a wave.

A few minutes later, the Swedish superstar himself made his way out of the locker room. the fans started to go crazy. "ZLATAN! ZLATAN!"
The 6'4 giant quickly got into the golf cart and drove off. As he drove, I started jumping up and down waving my arms around as if I was a 13 yr old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. "Zlatan!" I shouted continuously. The little prick ignored me (I know he heard & saw me!) and proceeded to put on his sunscreen as he got chauffeured to the soccer field.

"That little fuck!"

Inter had a scrimmage with the UCLA soccer team. It was a private match that was only open to friends/family of both teams and UCLA VIP. Seda and I quickly decided that we must see the game and see Zlatan in action.

We proceeded to get caught trying to sneak in. Twice.

Finally we decided to give up and get lunch.
After lunch, we had noticed that the scrimmage was over and players were being escorted back to the locker room and some players were signing autographs.

As Seda and I were waiting for more players to arrive, Chad "Ocho Stinko" Johnson casually walked past me with his girlfriend. Seeing as how everybody standing around was a futbol fan, he went by relatively unnoticed. I quickly turned to Seda

Me: "Seda thats fucking Ocho Cinco! where's your camera? nobody's even talking to him! I wanna get some pix w/ him"
Seda: "Russell I didn't bring it!"
Me: "fuck..."

So several Inter players arrived and signed autographs, including Cordoba, Diego Milito, and Cambiasso. I was freaking out because I didn't have anything for any of these guys to sign!

Finally, the man himself arrived!

But the little shit-stain ignored the fans and walked straight into the locker room.

After about twenty more minutes, Zlatan reappeared and began to sign autographs.

"Fuck me, this is my chance to finally meet Zlatan, and I don't have anything for him to sign or a god damn camera!"

It was at that moment that it struck me.
I took off my right shoe, and held it high in the air and ran towards the swarm of screaming fans.
As I rushed to get Zlatan's signature, I was attacked by elbows and shoves by other fans hoping to get the same signature.

"There is fucking no way that these little foreign faggots around me are gonna beat me to this. I am GOING to get Zlatan to sign this fucking shoe, even if it kills me!"

I finally pushed my way to the front and had jumped over a middle-aged Italian woman, and at long last, my stinky white Nike was perfectly placed in front of Zlatan's face. I saw him look at it. He pulled out his black sharpie and began to sign it.

"YES! SUCCESS!"

He had finished signing my shoe and moved on to the next autograph.

The excitement was killing me. It was time for me to take a look at my Nike sneaker with the brand new Zlatan Ibrahimovic signature!

I brought the shoe back down and took a look.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS!?!!"

The sight that lay before me had made my blood begin to boil.

"That fucking Swedish piece of shit!"

That's not a fucking autograph!

As luck would have it, just a few days later, Zlatan was traded to Barcelona FC.
Coincidentally Barcelona is scheduled to arrive at UCLA this Wednesday for preseason training, meaning that I am going to find Zlatan again and demand a proper autograph!

until then, he is dead to me.

Never Trust a Woman from Barcelona

I finally know what it's like to be used for my extremely good looks...

Apparently every summer, UCLA undergoes an invasion of Europeans looking to take some summer classes while enjoying the beautiful sunny weather and ambiance of Los Angeles. There are currently French, Spanish, German, and Italian students aged 16-26 at every turn. Summer school is pretty much an excuse for the Europeans to go out and see the glitz and glamor of LA during the peak summer months.

A few nights ago, my roommates and I went "bar-hopping" in Westwood (there are only 2 bars in Westwood). It was a typical Tuesday night, we started off at the Westwood Brewing Company
for "Electro Tuesday". We grabbed a few drinks and put on a little show on the dance floor. After a little bit, we decided that we have had enough and were ready to move on to the next bar, O'hara's (more commonly known as Maloney's). Right as we walk in, I notice that this place is packed tighter than my butt. Spaniards and Frenchmen everywhere. My roommates and I begin to walk around the bar, trying to find a place to sit. As I'm walking around, I feel someone grab my arm.

I look and see this short brown haired girl wearing a really ugly dress.
I'm just thinking "wtf?"

So I say: "um..what?"
Her: "You cannot walk by here."
Me: "why not?"
Her: "Because I do not know your name."

I started to blush a little bit..

Me: "My name is Russell, whats your name?"

I forgot what she said her name was...

Her: "Where are you from?"
Me: "I'm from around here, where are you from?"
Her: "Barcelona"
Me: "oh very cool, I want to visit there sometime."
Her:"would you like to dance?"
Me: "sure"

So we start to dance on the dance floor and she quickly starts to get really freaky.
I wasn't too attracted to this girl and her dancing started to make me uncomfortable.
She had no rhythm whatsoever, and quite frankly couldn't keep up with my fast-paced sensual teasing and grinding. She started to deliver those "signs", the kind that mean 'I want you bad'. I wasn't too thrilled about this, but I thought to myself "well, I've never hooked up with a foreign chick before, so this could be kind of cool?"

My lips slowly made their way to her neck and I gradually and smoothly moved my way upwards to her lips, leaving her quivering with excitement. After about 10 seconds, I decided that this broad was just too much of a rook.

"ok fuck this shit, this chick cant kiss and she smells bad." I thought to myself.

so After a short while, the girl abruptly stops and goes "ok I'll be right back"
And at that moment, I quickly ran the other direction.
As I was running away, I looked over my shoulder and noticed that she was doing the same thing.

"Wait a second. that's not right. only I'm supposed to be running away"

So I meet up with my roommates...
My roommate Ben goes, "Ru$, where have you been?"
Me: "dude, I just hooked up w/ a girl from Barcelona on the dance floor, it was kinda weird."
Ben: "haha no way me too"
Me: "um what?"
Ben: "yeah, it was like 10 minutes ago"

"Hmmm this sounds a little fishy, please god don't tell me I just got Ben's sloppy seconds."

Ben started to notice the disgruntled look on my face.

Ben: "haha was she short, with brown hair and braces?"

"phew, thank god. the girl I hooked up with didn't have braces. Can't be the same girl"

Me: Nah, the girl I hooked up with didn't have braces.
Ben: oh ok.

It was at that precise moment that the girl from Barcelona walked right through Ben and me.
She pretended not to see me, as she made her way through the crowded bar.
I quickly looked over at Ben.

Ben: "was that the girl you hooked up with?"
Me: "yeah.."
Ben: "Me too."

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT."

Deadly Dome

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Fucking Fuck Fuck

The time is 3:08am on Sunday March 15th (the Ides of March)
I am supposed to be studying for my Social Psychology final on Tuesday.
I have not learned a damn thing, and I got a D on my midterm.
So there is a high level of urgency, especially considering that I have roughly 600 pages of reading to do in order to be all caught up.

But what am I doing instead?

I am browsing www.twitter.com and fueling my burning addiction to internet social networking websites, of which already consume roughly 85% of my life.

Right now, I am stalking Diddy on Twitter and loving every moment of it, rather than learning about the principles of attraction and intimacy in chapter 11 of my Social Psychology textbook.

For those of you unaware, I dropped a class during 8th week (a quarter is 10 weeks), and I am not currently passing my other 2 classes.

I Really, Really Hate Myself Right Now.

Incognito (Part Deux)

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Incognito

So, Nick and I have a plethora of outrageous stories to post from last night-- but you must wait for those.

Tonight, My roommate Michael is hosting a large scale annual Fundraiser event for the Queer Alliance.
There is an estimated guest list of 100+ attending.
The only catch is that this event is being held at our apartment!!!

My roommate, Webb jokingly suggested that I attend the party and go undercover in attempt to gauge my approximate worth in the gay community.

So of course I thought to myself, "what a fucking great idea!"

My goal of the night is to get pursued by as many gay men as possible.
This may seem cruel, but this is only so that I can evaluate how badly I am desired and lusted for in the eyes of other horny gay males.
My success will be measured in terms of how many compliments I receive and the amount of phone numbers I obtain.

My Hypothesis: I expect to be a hit at this event. Also, I'm sure I will cause an uproar of arousal among the other guests. I will be shocked if I don't get hit on by at least 5 gay guys.

I will update later with my results.

Tragedy

Dear Applicant,



Thank you for applying to the California Cryobank donor program.



We regret to inform you that your donor application has not been
accepted. There are a variety of reasons why an individual is not
accepted into our program, including external reasons beyond the scope
of your application, as well as capacity limitations. By policy of the
California Cryobank, we are unable to disclose to you the specific
reason(s) why your donor application was not accepted. We are
disappointed that we cannot accept your application at this time, but we
greatly appreciate your interest in our program.



We wish you the best of luck with your future endeavors.



Sincerely,





Ruth Diaz

Donor Coordinator



WHY GOD WHY!?!?!?
There is no Justice in this world!

My First Visit to the Cryobank.

As many of you may know, I pride myself on being a man of philosophy. One of my golden rules in life: "Never give up on your Dreams." In my specific case, my dreams include visions of myself riding jet-skis up and down the Italian coast dressed in a tuxedo and throwing lavish cocktail parties aboard my yacht, The USS Sexxxy. There is only one thing that separates me from my dreams; about a billion dollars.

That being the case, I have dedicated a large portion of my life in attempting to make big money by the quickest and most convenient means possible. Surprising as it may sound, my schemes have all resulted in utter failure (ie betting on the Oscars)...UNTIL NOW!

A few weeks back I emailed a provisional application to the California Cryobank, and was later pre-approved a few days later.


So this morning, I made my first visit to the Cryobank; and it was an experience that I shall not soon forget. For those of you unaware of what exactly the Cryobank is-- let me educate you. Perhaps you have seen those ads for the Cryobank on the sidebars of your Facebook homepage (yeah, the ones that you never pay attention to). To put it simply, Cryobank is just a fancy name for sperm bank. If an individual passes a brief preliminary interview and fits a certain mold of criteria, they are eligible to donate their sperm for $100 a pop. Some basic requirements include that donors be in good health, must have a college degree (or be enrolled in college), and have no family history of serious illness. Incase you haven't already figured it out, I could be rich within months if I landed this job as a certified Sperm Donor.

Today I had an appointment to fill out some paperwork and give my first sperm sample. The professionals at the Cryobank will use my first sperm sample and test it to see if my sperm is good enough to use.

As fate would have it, The Cryobank was conveniently located within walking distance from my apartment (0.6 miles to be exact). At about 10:30am I left my apartment in search of the Cryobank. As I was walking down Gayley Ave. I noticed a small alleyway where the Cryobank was supposed to be. I walked down the narrow alleyway and finally saw the door which read "Cryobank". The door was locked and next to the door was an intercom. I pressed the button on the intercom and a woman calmly responded, "California Cryobank, How may I help you?"
I nervously replied, "I'm here for an 11:00am appointment". She made me verify my name and age and then buzzed me into the facility.

I was shocked at how clean the place was. I made my way to the waiting room. A sexy looking asian receptionist was pulling out my files as I walked up to the front desk. Her sultry voice and luscious lips lightly spoke the words, "Are you Russell?" This was starting to get a little uncomfortable. Since when are receptionists supposed to be this sexy? For a moment, I thought I was on the set of a Porn movie. I smoothly replied, "why yes I am." She stared blankly at me for a brief moment and then gave me some paperwork to fill out. The waiting room was filled with all kinds of snacks and Men's Health magazines. I quickly made myself at home and lounged in the waiting room while I filled out my paperwork. I was forced to tell a few white lies on my application (for ex. the minimum height requirement is 5'9, I'm 5'8. Also, my family doesn't exactly have a clean sheet of medical conditions like I said they did, hehe). I could not afford to let a few minuscule medical details stand in the way of my riches!

So after a few minutes it was finally showtime.
The sexy Asian receptionist handed me a cup for my sample and offered me some "visual aids."
To my surprise, this place was very legitimate. They offered me some DVDs. As I looked through the DVD collection, I was somewhat appalled at the grotesquely raunchy collection of pornography in their collection. "how the fuck do they expect me to wank off to this shit!?"
I finally found something that I could work with, College Invasion II (hehehe)
I was then escorted to the rooms. By the looks of it, I think each room had a different theme. I walked into the room and the first thing i noticed was that the walls had been covered with pictures of elegant naked ladies from the 60s and 70s. The room was extremely small. There was a sink, an absurd amount of paper towels, a small plasma TV, and some wrinkled up porn magazines with many pages suspiciously stuck together. I sat down and about 30 seconds later, I realized it was time for the Money Shot (get it?). "uh oh, how the fuck am I going to aim my jizz into this fucking tiny little cup!?" I successfully managed to get an embarrassingly mediocre sized load into the cup, but I quickly realized that I had made a large mess around the outside of the cup. I spent about 10 seconds laughing, and then another 30 seconds cleaning up my mess.

As I walked back to the receptionist with sperm in hand, the sight that lay before me was one that I will never forget. Some fucking tall scrawny goofball was flirting with the receptionist while juggling his cup of jizz in one hand ever so casually. "what the fuck is wrong with these people..?" I quietly thought to myself. I turned in my sample and the receptionist questioned whether or not I had obeyed the No-ejaculation-for-3-days rule. I reassured her that I had, and she proceeded to reexamine my sperm sample. I awkwardly stood there trying to not make eye contact with the tall creep tossing around his sperm, and the sexy asian woman belittling me and my excrement. "Alright, well we will contact you in 5-7 days to see if your sperm qualifies for donation." I quickly said "thank you" and got the fuck out of there as fast as I could.

I'm praying that my sperm sample is blessed, so that I can be one step closer to joy riding those jet-skis.

Now I play the waiting game...

Ru$$

Bonjour,

My name is Russell and I am currently residing in Los Angeles, California.
I'm 20 years young and still riding my father's coattails while I attend college here at UCLA. I am a man of simple taste, I also enjoy the finer things in life. Some of my many interests include: Samba Dancing, French (the language of love), FIFA, Looking Fly, Pumping Iron, LOST, Chipotle, UCLA Basketball, Smoothies, Wealth, Luxury & Women. Some would say I am a little "old fashioned." I still believe in chivalry and being a gentleman. I will always pull the chair out and open the doors for my ladies. In my travels, I have come across many things peculiar, spine-tingling, freaky, outrageous, and just outright funny. I am excited for our fans to embark on this journey.

Au Revoir