Jager-Shit-Meister Response #2: The Perpetrators

First of all, I'm very sorry for my delayed response to such an amazing story. I've been busy with my life.

Ok, so, Let me clarify a few things about this cruel (funny) prank that I pulled on one of my best friends:

The first thing I want to talk about is the matter of the excrement itself and how it came to be. Contrary to popular belief, this was NOT my poop. Andrew Nehrig was in fact, the creator of the disgustingly large mass of feces you witnessed in the video shown in The Jager-Shit-Meister. This giant turd... in a red cup. You may have thought, "What the fuck!?" and "Why would someone shit in a cup?" I'm still asking these questions... and I was there. Let me explain.

It was a cold night in Palm Springs. A few of my buddies and I were lazily floating around in a hot tub at the public pool. It must have been like 11 or 12 at night and we were all drinking large amounts of alcohol, smoking pot, and being loud and obnoxious. (you know... the usual) Well after an hour or 2 of turning into prunes and being completely sauced, everyone except for Andrew and I had decided to go back to the house and hang there. I finish my drink and nod my head back as the bubbles hit my muscular back. Andrew notices (that I finished my drink... not how buff I am) and says, "Burke, give me your cup dude, I have to shit." Now I'm pretty fucked up at this point, but I'm still very uncertain about this request. I thought "Why the fuck does he need my cup to shit? Is he gunna scoop it up when he's done? or even to wear it as a hat maybe while he poops?" whatever the reason, I didn't know. So, suspiciously, I hand him my cup and just watch him very closely. He heads over to a couple of lounge chairs and pulls them together. He then places the cup under a small gap between the 2 chairs and squats over the top it. He had successfully Jimmy-Rigged a toilet in the middle of a public pool. The next scene was so gross, it's hard for me to write. I ducked my head laughing my ass off, because I couldn't believe that this wannabe MacGyver was pooping in public... on 2 lounge chairs... in a fucking cup. Just as I thought he was done and it could not get any weirder, I looked up and he was literally right in the middle of pooping out this triumphant-brown-bastard of a shit. I mean the poop was still swinging from his butt, hanging for dear life. So gross.

As he finished, Andrew and I talked about pranking one of our friends. In this case, Denny. He was being kind of a douche, and it seemed like a good idea. Andrew was still holding the poopy cup the whole time we devised this plan. I suddenly thought I was Johnny Knoxville and decided that we are in fact going to make one of our friends drink human feces. Not dog feces. Human feces. Andrew and I decided we had to get this on film, and that this was gonna be the greatest thing ever.

We leave the hot tub, and bring the cup along with us... We need a camera, so Andrew grabs one of the guys phones on the table... The rest is history.

After the video, Denny walked in and we gave him the drink. (We actually recorded this too, but I think Andrew deleted it, after he suffered from something called guilt... or so I think... after all, the guy wasn't even drunk) Denny nods his head in thanks and begins to take a sip of this Poopbeer Float. I'd be lying if I told you that I didn't laugh my ass off and didn't have to leave the room. As I was leaving, I kid you not, Denny yelled, "Burke! Oh my God! This is the best drink I have ever had!!" Like it was straight out of a fucking sitcom. I half-thought he caught on and knew I had tricked him... but then quickly corrected myself knowing that he wouldn't be that calm after knowingly drinking a large snake-like human poop.

Laughing uncontrollably at this point, I couldn't help but emphasize the word "shit" around Denny. The only conversation I strictly remember where I integrated my new word, was when Denny asked, "Burke, what did you put in this drink?" I then responded, "Oh nothing really, just some jager, some monster, and some shit, I dont remember."

The next morning I woke up feeling very guilty and shameful. My childish antics had gone too far... I had made one of my friends drink human poop. Then I realized "SHIT! I have to fucking drive this guy home in a couple hours... just me and him. I'm fucked." I quickly got up and told all the guys I was with to keep their mouths shut about the incidents that took place the night before, at least until we made it back home. They agreed and I made it home.

All I'm gunna say is that Denny found out. (Thanks Russ) I don't remember if it was that day or the next, but if my friend Mustain didn't live with me to restrain Denny at the time, I may have been force fed my own shit.

Sorry Denny, I'm an asshole. I love you man. We're Bromosexuals.

-Burke