My First Visit to the Cryobank.

As many of you may know, I pride myself on being a man of philosophy. One of my golden rules in life: "Never give up on your Dreams." In my specific case, my dreams include visions of myself riding jet-skis up and down the Italian coast dressed in a tuxedo and throwing lavish cocktail parties aboard my yacht, The USS Sexxxy. There is only one thing that separates me from my dreams; about a billion dollars.

That being the case, I have dedicated a large portion of my life in attempting to make big money by the quickest and most convenient means possible. Surprising as it may sound, my schemes have all resulted in utter failure (ie betting on the Oscars)...UNTIL NOW!

A few weeks back I emailed a provisional application to the California Cryobank, and was later pre-approved a few days later.


So this morning, I made my first visit to the Cryobank; and it was an experience that I shall not soon forget. For those of you unaware of what exactly the Cryobank is-- let me educate you. Perhaps you have seen those ads for the Cryobank on the sidebars of your Facebook homepage (yeah, the ones that you never pay attention to). To put it simply, Cryobank is just a fancy name for sperm bank. If an individual passes a brief preliminary interview and fits a certain mold of criteria, they are eligible to donate their sperm for $100 a pop. Some basic requirements include that donors be in good health, must have a college degree (or be enrolled in college), and have no family history of serious illness. Incase you haven't already figured it out, I could be rich within months if I landed this job as a certified Sperm Donor.

Today I had an appointment to fill out some paperwork and give my first sperm sample. The professionals at the Cryobank will use my first sperm sample and test it to see if my sperm is good enough to use.

As fate would have it, The Cryobank was conveniently located within walking distance from my apartment (0.6 miles to be exact). At about 10:30am I left my apartment in search of the Cryobank. As I was walking down Gayley Ave. I noticed a small alleyway where the Cryobank was supposed to be. I walked down the narrow alleyway and finally saw the door which read "Cryobank". The door was locked and next to the door was an intercom. I pressed the button on the intercom and a woman calmly responded, "California Cryobank, How may I help you?"
I nervously replied, "I'm here for an 11:00am appointment". She made me verify my name and age and then buzzed me into the facility.

I was shocked at how clean the place was. I made my way to the waiting room. A sexy looking asian receptionist was pulling out my files as I walked up to the front desk. Her sultry voice and luscious lips lightly spoke the words, "Are you Russell?" This was starting to get a little uncomfortable. Since when are receptionists supposed to be this sexy? For a moment, I thought I was on the set of a Porn movie. I smoothly replied, "why yes I am." She stared blankly at me for a brief moment and then gave me some paperwork to fill out. The waiting room was filled with all kinds of snacks and Men's Health magazines. I quickly made myself at home and lounged in the waiting room while I filled out my paperwork. I was forced to tell a few white lies on my application (for ex. the minimum height requirement is 5'9, I'm 5'8. Also, my family doesn't exactly have a clean sheet of medical conditions like I said they did, hehe). I could not afford to let a few minuscule medical details stand in the way of my riches!

So after a few minutes it was finally showtime.
The sexy Asian receptionist handed me a cup for my sample and offered me some "visual aids."
To my surprise, this place was very legitimate. They offered me some DVDs. As I looked through the DVD collection, I was somewhat appalled at the grotesquely raunchy collection of pornography in their collection. "how the fuck do they expect me to wank off to this shit!?"
I finally found something that I could work with, College Invasion II (hehehe)
I was then escorted to the rooms. By the looks of it, I think each room had a different theme. I walked into the room and the first thing i noticed was that the walls had been covered with pictures of elegant naked ladies from the 60s and 70s. The room was extremely small. There was a sink, an absurd amount of paper towels, a small plasma TV, and some wrinkled up porn magazines with many pages suspiciously stuck together. I sat down and about 30 seconds later, I realized it was time for the Money Shot (get it?). "uh oh, how the fuck am I going to aim my jizz into this fucking tiny little cup!?" I successfully managed to get an embarrassingly mediocre sized load into the cup, but I quickly realized that I had made a large mess around the outside of the cup. I spent about 10 seconds laughing, and then another 30 seconds cleaning up my mess.

As I walked back to the receptionist with sperm in hand, the sight that lay before me was one that I will never forget. Some fucking tall scrawny goofball was flirting with the receptionist while juggling his cup of jizz in one hand ever so casually. "what the fuck is wrong with these people..?" I quietly thought to myself. I turned in my sample and the receptionist questioned whether or not I had obeyed the No-ejaculation-for-3-days rule. I reassured her that I had, and she proceeded to reexamine my sperm sample. I awkwardly stood there trying to not make eye contact with the tall creep tossing around his sperm, and the sexy asian woman belittling me and my excrement. "Alright, well we will contact you in 5-7 days to see if your sperm qualifies for donation." I quickly said "thank you" and got the fuck out of there as fast as I could.

I'm praying that my sperm sample is blessed, so that I can be one step closer to joy riding those jet-skis.

Now I play the waiting game...