The Jager-Shit-Meister

The time is 1:10am, and I have a final in 6 hours and 50 minutes.
Amidst the heavy stress that I am currently facing, I am putting all of my academic worries on hold to present our lucky viewers with a rare diamond in the rough...

You must be forewarned: For what I am about to present to you is very graphic in nature, and is NOT for the weak of stomach and heart.

Let me take you back to a simpler time...

The year is 2007, I'm pretty sure this took place over spring break?..or was it summer?. Anyway, that is all irrelevant.

A few of our Extra Horny Gentlemen had decided to take advantage of the gorgeous Southern California weather and take a short vacation trip to Palm Springs for a few days. For whatever reason, I chose not to attend this trip. (actually, I just wasn't invited) A few days pass by and my friends return to Huntington Beach, from a seemingly incredible vacation. You know: Lots of drinking, drug abusing, womanizing, tanning, gambling etc etc. So I'm sitting on my computer chatting online with one of my friends whom was on the trip. (he has requested to remain anonymous)

So anyway, I'm chatting with one of my friends online and he goes:

"yeah bro, I was so drunk that whole trip. I came home and found this fucking weird video on my phone. I don't know who recorded it, but I'm almost positive that it couldn't have been me. Here check it out..."




Please notice how the video ends rather abruptly.
So after viewing this incredibly graphic and cruel video, I began to freak out.
"There is no fucking way that Burke, would actually trick our beloved friend, Denny into drinking a cocktail containing the feces of another human being!"
It brings me great and utter regret to tell you all, that I was absolutely wrong.

Immediately after I had seen this grotesque footage, I demanded an answer from my anonymous friend.
"PLEASE TELL ME THAT THEY DID NOT MAKE DENNY DRINK THE POOP!"
He simply replied, "Dude, I was so drunk. I don't even remember."
That answer was simply not adequate, so I immediately pulled out my phone and dialed Denny's number.

Denny: "Russ What's up?"
Me: "Please tell me that you didn't end up drinking that poop"
Denny: "huh?"
Me: "The Cup with Jager and shit inside of it, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DIDN'T DRINK IT!"
(roughly 5 seconds of silence)
Denny: I AM GOING TO KILL NICK BURKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(click)

Never in my life, had I heard so much rage come from a human being, let alone through the telephone.

It was at that moment I began to think, "uh oh, Denny didn't even know that he drank a cocktail with human feces inside of it....oh shit, Burke is dead."

About 10 minutes later, I received a phone call from Burke.
"Dude, WHY DID YOU TELL DENNY!?!?"
It had turned out that Burke and his other accomplices vowed to keep it a secret from Denny after experiencing the guilt of watching one of their best friends willingly drink a cocktail made up of Jagermeister, Monster Energy Drink, and human excrement.
To make matters even worse: according to eyewitnesses, he even stated that his drink was "fucking great" and that it was "The greatest drink he'd ever had" (I'm sorry Denny.)

Let this be a reminder girls (and guys) across the world, since we are all now turning 21 and hitting up the local bars: Do Not Accept Drinks from Strangers. (or in this case, your best friends)